It was the summer of June, 2008, when an ominous occurrence took place. As I was working at the local animal shelter in Houston, TX, I discovered my boss had started a meditation routine that involved lighting candles and sitting cross legged with her eyes closed for an hour a day during lunch. Now you see, I am open to all sorts of religious hokey pokey, but I definitely took issue with the safety of lighting a candle and falling asleep- regardless of whether or not you are sitting down or calling it “meditation”. I argued with her constantly about it, but she would be un-reactive and just say that I needed to “relax”. That’s when I realized I had to take matters in to my own hands, and that meant teaching this new aged hippie a lesson. I doused her desk and office chair in fire resistant fire retardant and while she was in the middle of snoring out a long breath full of “ohm”, I quietly snuck in and lighted a piece of paper resting on her desk aflame; then I snuck out undetected. I figured my stunt would burn some paperwork and scare some sense into the woman, but about 20 minutes later as I was mopping up dog urine in the halls, I heard screaming. The fire retardant I used failed to keep the desk safe, and in her deep subconscious state, she didn’t notice the room burning up until she was literally cornered behind a silk plant fighting the flames off with rose water and incense sticks. Though, I don’t care for the woman, I rushed in to rescue her. A flaming piece of wood sparked up and hit my shoulder, it was probably from some kind of secret Buddha shrine hidden in the room. Anyhow, as the shrapnel hit me, my life flashed before my eyes. I realized that I have never been happy and have wasted the majority of my life arguing with numskulls. I stared into my bosses scared eyes, and apologized as I turned around and ran out. Although, my boss was killed, along with 32 other workers and 250 dogs, that day changed my life forever in a good way. I’m now in prison and although I am a captive animal, I now understand the fail safes of controlled burns and the unreliableness of fire retardants.